To the woman I’m in love with…

You ask how do you know if I love you. How do you know you aren’t the rebound lover, the one that eases my aching heart and will soon be discarded.

You know because the woman I loved, was a fantasy I made up. She doesn’t exist. The sweet and giving and adorable woman that I once loved doesn’t exist except for in my head. Yes, her body and mind exist, but she isn’t who I fabricated her to be in my mind, she is not who I imagined her to be. The signs of what is real were there and I would not look at them. If I were to have merely opened my eyes the woman I loved would have disappeared, so I kept my eyes tightly shut until the day came where I finally realized this woman wanted nothing more than to hurt me. That’s when I opened my eyes, got angry and said some really stupid and mean things to her in order to be free of my unhealthy obsession with her. I lied to her to protect you and myself from what no woman who ever really loved me would do, try and punish me for not being who she wanted me to be, and in the process of trying to make me suffer she would have hurt you. My eyes are wide open babe. I’m awake and the fantasy is over. You are my reality.

Yes, I was hoping the friendship I once had with her might have been.. real. I have reached out to her several times to make amends for my side of some very bad behavior, I certainly could have handle my fears better. I kept trying to see if there was anything left inside of her that was once my friend. You know this babe, I’ve informed you of every interaction. You also know there has been no response, except silence and hatefulness. I don’t have anything she wants. I’m guessing she had hoped I was someone other than who I am, and was in denial about me back then as well. There is nothing left to do or to feel when it comes to this woman. The reason I am trying to stay away from her is so not to hurt her and allow her to mend as I have. It’s not because it’s painful for me to see her babe, seeing her has no affect on me other than I know it hurts her and I don’t want to do that. Yes, I still care about her and I would truly like to be her friend again some day if that is ever possible. Right now I want for her the peace and happiness that I have.

You are my reality babe. You make me happy. You have never used me, nor do you ever create negative drama or try to hurt me. You are the most genuinely loving person I have ever met. There are no signs to ignore with you. Nothing to fear and nothing to deny. I’m safe with you because you truly love me, and I love you too. I’ve just been selfishly stupid and greedy, always wanting the adrenaline rush of new lovers and continual ego boosts. With you, every day is new and exciting and you make me feel so fucking special. I see the painful experience of my past as being a good thing, a valuable lesson learned. It has helped me more understand what real love is and I believe it has made me a better person and lover. Funny how we have to go through hell in order to find pure fucking BLISS!!! I love you, and yeah, it feels “real” GOOD!