Category Archives: Brain Dump

The Feeling Of Us

Is there such a thing as equal & balanced love, or a love without fear and pain? Perhaps, but how mundane, I’d rather take a nap. Intense emotional connections… the ecstasy, the adrenalin, the pain, the sorrow, the love making… beautiful misery. No regrets, I loved and I payed for love in dellusional spilled blood. TO LOVE: I bow my head and say “THANK YOU, I WILL NOT FORGET THE FEELING OF US”.

Dr Pepper

When you prevent yourself from indulging in instant gratification, you suffer, you wait and wait, and you obsess about it until you just can’t go without it any longer… then you allow yourself a taste… a small sip.. and Aaaaaahhhhhh, Mmmmmmmm.. Orgasmic!

Hands

Hands…. I touch your hand, I love you. I make a fist, you love me back. We carve into our palms and drink sweet drops of life. We sooth our wounds with gentle fingers. We reach ultimate depths within, a firm fist, striking, fluid and flesh, making love, passionate knuckles of emotion… Hands

Unexpected

Task:  Write something in 5 minutes using the prompt “Unexpected”.

The unexpected

Hollering outside my door

Opens to a mystery

as pain enters my core

A familiar face to see

A dead man comes with lies

Simular knocks come often

It’s really no surprise

My Muse

Emotionally sparked art inspired by a muse whom often whispers sweetly from behind a canvas, “Fill my crevasses with your passion and your desires, brush against me, get me wet… make me yours”

My Muse - Digital Drawing by Sparks

Graphic Whore

Please visit other Tehachapi Artists @ tehachapiartists.com

Coming To Know Who I Am

Coming to know who I am..   grabbing ideas from AA and Buddhism.

Do you realize that you are baffled and trying to solve problems with solutions that aren’t working.

FEELINGS: Get in touch with your feelings, make sure you have the correct meaning of each feeling, look up all the feelings that apply to you in a dictionary (keep a feelings list with you, learn them well by looking at them often).

Feelings list you can go by:

abandoned, abused, accepted, accused, admired, adventurous, affectionate, affirmed, afraid, aggressive, aggravated, agitated, alarmed, alienated, alive, alone, ambivalent, angry, annoyed, antagonistic, anticipated, anxious, apathetic, appreciated, apprehensive, approved, arrogant, ashamed, assertive, attacked, attractive, awed, awkward, balanced, beaten, belligerent, betrayed, bewildered, bitter, blamed, bored, bothered, bugged, burned up capable, cared for, castrated, caustic, chagrined, challenged, cheated, closed, comfortable, comforted, compassionate, competent, complacent, compromised, concerned, confident, confused, congruent, connected, consumed, contaminated, controlled, out of control, creative, cross, cruel, crushed, curious, cut off, dead, deceived, defeated, defensive, defiant, degraded, dejected, delighted, deserving, desired, desperate, destroyed, devastated, dirty, disappointed, discontented, disgusted, disillusioned, disjointed, dismayed, distant, distorted, distracted, distressed, disturbed, dominated, domineering, drained, dread, drowning, drugged, dumb, dying,
eager, edgy, egotistic, elated, embarrassed, embraced, empty, endangered, enraged, enthused, envious, evasive, exasperated, exhausted, exhilarated, exploited, explosive, exposed, failed, failure, fat, fatigued, fearful, fighting mad, floundering, fooled, forgiven, forgotten, fouled, free, friendless, friendly, frightened, frustrated, furious, galled, generous, genuine, gifted, gracious, grateful, gratified, greedy, grumpy, guilty, hate, hated, hatred, healed, heavy, helpless, hopeful, hopeless, hostile, hurt, hyperactive, hypocritical,
ignored, immobilized, impatient, impotent, inadequate, indifferent, incompetent, inconsistent, in control, indecisive, independent, indignant, inferior, infuriated, inhibited, injured, insecure, irked, irritated, isolated, intense, integrated, intimate, intimidated, irrational, irritable,
jealous, joyful, judged, judgmental, liberated, light, limited, lonely, like a loser, lost, lovable, loved, loyal, mad, manipulated, marked, masked, masochistic, melancholic, miffed, misinformed, misunderstood, naked, needy, neglected, noxious, obligated, offended, optimistic, outraged, overlooked, oversized, over sexed, overwhelmed, pain, panic, paranoid, passionate, peaceful, persecuted, perturbed, pessimistic, phony, pissed-off, playful, pleased, pleasured, possessed, possessive, powerful, powerless, precious, preoccupied, pressured, private, protective, proud, provoked, punished, purposeful, put down, put out, puzzled, enraged, rambunctious, reassured, rejected, resentful, responsible, responsive, restrained, resurrected, revengeful, reverence, rewarded, rigid,
sacred, sad, sadistic, like a scapegoat, scared, secretive, secure, seductive, seething, selfish, sensual, shaky, shamed, shocked, shy, sick, sincere, sinful, smothered, soiled, sorrowful, spontaneous, spiteful, stressed, strong, stubborn, stupid, subservient, superior, supported, suspicious, sympathetic,
teed off, tender, terrified, threatened, ticked off, tired, tolerant, tolerated, traumatized, tranquil, triumphant, trusted, trusting, turned off,
ugly, unable, unappreciated, unbalanced, uncertain, understood, unfulfilled, unhappy, unique, unloved, unprepared, upset, unresponsive, unlikable, uptight, used, useful, useless, vain, valuable, vengeful, vicious, vindicated, vindictive, violent, vulnerable, warm, weak, weary, whole, withdrawn, wonderful, worn out, worthless, worthy youthful, yearning, zany, zealous

Be willing to let go of old behavior and seek another approach to coping with everyday problems. Realize you are a profoundly emotional being and  unless you understand your emotions you will not have much power over your actions or your life.

Select the word (Feelings above list)or words that describe your feeling/s and put them in a sentence (explain your feeling/s). Do this now, and every day until you feel you have a very good idea of what you feel and the word/words that describe your feelings.

Shift your focus and seek a sense of wholeness and happiness in order to better your life.

BE HONEST and relate to as many flaws and assets as you can. (do this NOW, and as often as you feel you need to in order to truly understand yourself.

aggressive, belligerent …………………. good-natured, gentle

angry ……………………………………….. forgiving, calm, generous

apathetic           …………………………… interested, concerned, alert

apprehensive, afraid           …………… calm, courageous

argumentative, quarrelsome          … agreeable

arrogant, insolent       ………………….. unassuming, humble

attacking, critical     ……………………… fair, self-restrained

avoidant  …………………………………….. faces problems and acts

blocking honest ……………………………. intuitive

boastful  ……………………………………… modest, humble

careless ……………………….. careful, painstaking, concerned

cheating ……………………………………… honest

competitive (socially)        …………….. cooperative

compulsive ………………………………….. free

conceited,self-important …………. humble, modest

contradictory, oppositional|          …. reasonable, agreeable

contrary, intractable, pigheaded        reasonable

controlling …………………………………… lets go, esp. of other’s lives

cowardly                ……………………….. brave

critical ……………………………………… non-judgmental, praising, tolerant

cynical    …………………………………….. open-minded

deceitful guileless………………………… honest

defensive ……………………………………. open to criticism

defiant, contemptuous           ………… respectful

denying honest……………………………. accepting.

dependent  …………………………………. accepts help but is self-reliant

depressed, morose   …………………….. hopeful, optimistic, cheerful

dirty, poor hygiene  ……………………… clean

dishonest                 …………………….. honest

disloyal, treacherous  …………………… faithful, loyal

disobedient           ………………………… obedient

disrespectful, insolent           …………. respectful, reverent

enabling ……………………………………… setting boundaries, tough love

envying …………………………….. empathetic, generous, admiring

evasive, deceitful   ……………………….. candid, straightforward

exaggerating ……………………………….. honest, realistic

faithless, disloyal   ………………………… reliable, faithful

falsely modest  …………………………….. honest, has self-esteem

falsely prideful …………………………… modest, humble

fantasizing, unrealistic …………………. practical, realistic

fearful …………..;……………….. confident, courageous

forgetful        …………………………….. responsible

gluttonous, excessive             ……… moderate

gossiping ……………………………… closed-mouth, kind, praising

greedy …………………………. moderate, generous, sharing

hateful, forgiving, ……………………… loving, concerned for others

hypersensitive  …………………………. tolerant, doesn’t personalize

ill-tempered, bitchy ………….. good-tempered, calm

impatient …………………… patient

impulsive, reckless           ……………. consistent, considered actions

inconsiderate          ……………………. thoughtful, considerate

indecisive,timid ………………………….. firm, decisive

indifferent, apathetic, aloof              caring

inflexible, stubborn     …………………. open-minded, flexible

insecure, anxious         ……………….. self-confident, secure

insincere, hypocritical …………… sincere, honest

intolerant …………………….. tolerant, understanding, patient

irresponsible, reckless        …………. responsible

isolating, solitary  ……………………… sociable, outgoing

jealous ……………………….. trusting, generous, admiring

judgmental      …………………………… broadminded, tolerant

justifying (own actions)  …………….. honest, frank, candid

lack of purpose          ………………….. purposeful

lazy, indolent          …………………….. industrious, conscientious

loud     ………………………………………. tasteful, quiet

lustful ……………………………………….. healthy sexuality

lying ……………………………………….. honest

manipulative    …………………………… candid, honest, non-controlling

masked, closed       …………………….. honest, open, candid

nagging          …………………………….. supportive

narrow minded      ……………………… open minded

obscene, crude                 ……………. modest, courteous

over emotional         …………………… emotionally stable

perfectionistic     ………………………… realistic goals

pessimistic…………………………………. realistic, hopeful, optimistic, trusting

possessive            ………………………. open-minded

procrastinates …………………………… disciplined, acts promptly

projecting (negative)    ………………. clear sighted, optimistic

rationalizing   …………………………….. candid, honest

resentful, bitter, hateful              … forgiving

resisting …………………………………… growing willing to grow

rude, discourteous                    ……. polite, courteous

sarcastic…………………………………. praising, tolerant

self-important ………………………… humble, modest

self-centered  …………………………. caring of others

self-destructive, self-defeating   .. self-fulfilling

self-hating ……………………………… self-accepting, loving

self-justifying ………………………….. admitting wrongs, humble

self-pitying ……………………………… grateful, realistic, accepting

self-righteous                …………….. humble, understanding

self-seeking ……………….. selfless, concerned for others

selfish …………………………. altruistic, concerned with others

shy   ……………………………………….. outgoing

slothful (lazy) ………………….. industrious, taking action

spiteful, malicious            …………… forgiving

stealing……………………………………. honest

stubborn …………………………………. open-minded, willing

sullen ………………………………………. cheerful

superior, grandiose, pretentious     humble

superstitious          ……………………. realistic, no magical thinking

suspicious                …………………… trusting

tense        ………………………………… calm, serene

thinking negatively ……………………………. being positive

treacherous         ………………………. trustworthy

undisciplined, self-indulgent          ..  disciplined

unfair          ……………………………….. fair

unfriendly, hostile, bitchy             …. friendly

ungrateful …………………………………. thankful, grateful

unkind, mean, malicious, spiteful       kind

unsupportive of others           ……… supportive

untrustworthy, unreliable, dishonest|trustworthy

useless, destructive             ……….. helpful

vain     ……………………………………… modest, humble

vindictive             ……………………….. forgiving

violent   …………………………………….. gentle

vulgar …………………………………….. polite

wasteful                ……………………… thrifty

willful ………………………………………. accepting of the inevitable

withdrawn             …………………….. outgoing

wordy, verbose         …………………. frank, to the point, succinct

Make a list of your flaws and assets and write a brief paragraph next to each flaw describing what you will do differently to avoid these negative actions in the future.

With vigorous honesty, confront yourself and look at the effects your actions have on others and yourself.

Do a honest inventory of yourself and any resentments you may have. (when finished going over your Inventory with another person, you may burn or shred it as a symbol of letting go of past behavior and pain) BE extremely honest and look at your mistakes if there were any. Take responsibility for your actions and admit them to yourself and others… Express to others, when appropriate, and to yourself the exact nature of your feelings thereby gaining some power over them.

PEOPLE Inventory: Father,Mother, Girl Friends/Lovers, Brothers, Sisters, Sponsors, Employers, Friends, Acquaintances, Aunts, Childhood Friends, Clergy, Co-workers Cousins, Creditors, Doctors, Employees, spouses, In-Laws,Judges, Lawyers, Parole Officers, Police, Probation Officers,Teachers, Uncles.

Complete each column top to bottom before proceeding to the next column. Thus, for instance, fill in all the names of those you are resentful at before filling in the column for the cause of each resentment.

Column 1 In dealing with resentments we set them on paper. We listed people, institutions or principles with whom we were angry.

Column 2 We asked ourselves why we were angry.

Column 3 We asses our injuries. Was it our self-esteem, our security, our ambitions, our personal relations, or sex relations which had been interfered with?

Column 4 This Column is optional. List specific defects to show your participation in the resentments.

Column 5 Referring to our list again. Putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done, we resolutely looked for our own mistakes. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened? If the Cause of our Resentment was due to abuse of some kind we leave this column blank.

(Column 1), the cause (Column 2), the part of self that had been affected (Column 3), and the exact nature of the defect within us that allowed the resentment to surface and block us off from being content and moving forward with life in a healthier manner.

I’m Resentful at:

Girlfriend

The Cause For leaving me

Affects My Security, personal relations

Your Specific Flaws (optional) controlling, needy, selfish

The Mistakes I Made I manipulated her for my own selfish needs, I neglected her, and I hurt her.
Acknowledge that your disruptive reactions are typically created by your fears and be ready to face them head on.

Fear Inventory:
Taking a different path towards life, I strive to find a more profound sense of who I really am rather than use fear and defensiveness to guide me.

Example of fears:

abandonment, aging, anger, authority figures, being alone, being deceived, being found out, being myself, change, compliments, confrontation, creditors, death, denial, disapproval, disease, divorce, embarrassment, employment, facing myself, failure, fear, feelings, financial insecurity, flying, future, getting fat or thin, God, going home, going out on a “whim”, having children, homelessness, homosexuality, honesty, humiliation, hurting others, I’m a fraud and others will find out, incarceration, intimacy, IRS, letting go, living, loneliness, losing hope, love, mediocrity, money, needing anyone, not being good enough, not being happy, not being liked, not being perfect, people, person, police, poverty, procrastination, rape, rejection, relationships, resentments, responsibility, risks, saying that I can’t do something, sex, sponsor, success, unemployment, the unknown, violence, work

Write your fears down and ask yourself why you have them.

Make a Happiness List..  list the things that make you happy.

Stop blaming and feeling blamed with a willingness to heal the wounds. I am ready to be accepting of the world and others as it is and as they are.

Exercise: Make a list of the people you want to know better and explain how

Swallow your pride and sincerely apologize to people you’ve hurt.

I carry on with an honest awareness of myself, paying attention to the motives and effects of my actions.

Now and again fill these out to keep a check on yourself as you continue to grow.

Only fill in the ones that apply:


1. Have I been resentful lately? (if so of who and why)

2. How was I selfish (i.e. egotistical, self-seeking)?

3. How was I dishonest?

4. How was I afraid?

5. Do I owe an apology? Who did I help today?

6. What have I wrongly kept secret?

7. Was I unkind (i.e. cruel, harsh, unfeeling)? What did I accomplish today?

8. Was I unloving (i.e. cold, unresponsive, indifferent)?

9. What could I have done better? What I am grateful for today?

10. Was I thinking of myself most of the time?

11. Was I thinking of what I could do for others? Who needs my help today?

12. Did I do anything to make the planet a better place? (plant a tree, pick up trash etc.)

I stay connected with my feelings — constantly increasing my knowledge of who I really am and achieving a deeper sense of what I really want.

Keep a list of your Self-inflicted behaviors that create drama and sufferings and put them up somewhere where you can see them often to remind you of what flaws you are working on.

Make a list of Character Defects we wish to change e.g.:

Abusiveness
Anger
Dishonesty
Fear
Infidelity
Irresponsibility
Procrastination
Stinginess
Thievery
Thoughtlessness


Humility means honest, real, and without phoniness.  Mother Theresa had it right on when she said, “If you are truly humble, nothing can touch you, neither disgrace nor praise, because you know who you are.”

Describe your level of humility as HIGH, MEDIUM or LOW

I feel like being totally honest -
I have little interest in impressing others -
I have nothing to hide from Anyone -
I am coming to really know who I am -